will there ever be a light at the end of the tunnel?

 

I have lived a life full of shame and failures.

My messy life has begun since the day I was born. I was a naughty kid who annoyed my mom and stupid, always crying and scared. But for some reason I became an elementary kid who always managed to top the ranking in our school. I was not a smart or born genius kid, in fact I only became smart when I was in third grade. I love my childhood, I got to have some lovely moments with my childhood friends even if I also want to kill some people that put me into livelong torment.

I don’t know if I have to be grateful or blame that era, because afterwards my parents and people around me put some high expectations to me. That I was a smart girl so I will definitely going to become someone important later in life.

But I didn’t.

Everything went downhill after I graduated elementary school.

My middle school era, I was an ugly ogre and everything was such a mess. How can a 14 years old already thinking about death? I hated going to school. Even if I didn’t get bullied or anything but I hate everyone. My teacher punished me when I didn’t bring a book and I was so embarrassed that I cried in front of everyone. My dumb classmates wanted to copy my exam, but for whatever fuck reasons the teacher mocked me that I’m not that smart enough to show my answers to other kids. And the crazy thing is that this happened twice.  Another teacher said my hair was horrendous and said I looked terrible.

Even if it was true, but shouldn’t an adult give a guidance to a kid instead of mocking them?

My high school era was also mediocre. I didn’t want to take science class because I hate it and I suck at math. I hate seeing numbers and my classmates thought I was weird. Maybe because I’m lazy as well and this seems to be the beginning of my messed up future. I joined an Islam-ish organization, and grateful for the experience I gained. But I began straying away from religion and resent God for making my awful life.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a overthinking kid and just be an ignorant fool. Maybe my life would be happier than now.

My college life got fucked over by covid, and I couldn’t recover from since. I was already such a failure even before covid but now I have became even worse to the point of no return. My social skill has long gone and I’m now rotting in my house waiting for death to come. After graduated from college, I didn’t feel an ounce of happiness and end up throwing up while I was home.

Sometimes I think my parents should have aborted me. 

Why did they bring me to this world when I’m already such a failure since the beginning? What is my purpose in this life? To be the example of failed daughter so that my relatives and neighbors told their kids not to grow up like me?

I resented my parents for bringing me to this world, but I know they tried their best for me. All the money they poured by working and get in so much debts just to cover my useless degree. I don’t know why I even bother going to college in the first place.

In the second half of 2024, I finally got into a proper company with clients that align with my degree. Although I got in not because of my mediocre nonexistent skills, but with the help of my friend. I got paid with enough money and I was really happy because I can help my mother in our family’s financial situation, but I never feel proud because I got in through nepotism. Even though I never managed to save up that money and it has all gone now because I used it for our family.

But only after working for 6 months, they told me that our department will be gone. Our clients will be using AI and that we weren't needed anymore. All I can think at that moment was, fuck you and fuck my life!

I hope that companies face bankruptcy and they die for treating me like this, but in the end they are still thriving. I was nothing more than just a name, and I have no significant or impact on anything to them.

I resent everyone, I resent my family for always using my money, I resent my friends who have clearer career path. I am jealous and I feel unfair that unluckiness and misery keep attacking me.

I hate myself for being mentally ill and coward and an embarrassment for everyone.

I tried to apply for jobs everywhere and everything, but they reject me. And even if one gave me chance to interview, it’s for jobs that are out of my reach and I will only embarrass myself during interview. How much more times that I have to embarrass myself to no avail?

If someone asks, how’s that weird girl Irma doing nowadays? I bet they will talk to me with pity and grateful. And they will feel glad because their situation is better than me. Our life might be shitty, but at least Irma is doing worse than us so we need to thank Allah for this!

Maybe my purpose in life is to be the comparison tool for people.

I have no money left and I have no future.

Last year, my grandma fell sick and started living with us. I began to be her caregiver, accompanying her every day, listening to the same local music that make my ears bleed because I listened to them every minute. I love my grandma, but I also hated her. She thought I was suspicious and would steal her money, and said that I’m useless.

One time, I had intrusive thoughts. I was thinking, when will my grandma just die?

And then she did. Before her death, I was angry at her and refused when she wanted to held my hands. I didn’t know it would be the very last time I ever talk and touch her. I thought she would come back from hospital, but she died during the night.

I cried for a week straight, and I couldn’t think like normal person did.

I wished she come back and annoy me once again. I never got the chance to apologize to her, or say sorry for everything. Whenever I see her old pictures, I keep thinking that she lived her life without knowing she’d die alone after fighting with me.

I wish she come to my dream, but she hasn’t. Will she forgive me? Will she accept my apology?

This grief is like an endless cycle, like a dark black hole with no ending.

I don’t know how my mother and my siblings can move on just normally but I would feel guilty if I forget about my grandma even just for a day. I keep thinking about her, her trace in our house, and everything about her. 

Am I too overdramatic like what my family said?

I’m scared of everything and I can’t see anything bright in tomorrow.

I already talked to a psychologist for three times, and even if my family make fun of me but I think I really hit rock bottom. The psychologist can’t help me because I think they are annoying for not responding the way I wanted them to.

Sometimes I imagine myself committing crime like robbing bank or killing rapists who terrorize our neighborhood. Because if I do that, maybe I can go to jail and living in prison sounds better because I don’t have to feel guilty by not doing anything. But I don’t even have the bravery to go outside to see the sun shining from the sky, and I don’t want to tarnish my family’s reputation.

Will there really be a chance for me to change from this shit hole called life?

Or is it my fault that I don’t know how to stand up from this dark endless pit? That I give up before doing anything?

Maybe.