all the memories and grief

(Just wanted to share some of my writings about grandma, so i wont forget about her forever.)

just wanted to record some of the writings i wrote about my grandma. Days after she passed I couldn't think properly and spiraled and finally I learned the meaning of death. 

July 19th

i thought today would go like the usual day. i accompany u listening to campursari and dangdut koplo on television

while working on my laptop. i thought i will bring u foods like the usual and ur favorite kerupuk. i didnt know yesterday would be the last.

the sound of monitor beeping feels weird and each beep makes me scared even if im ready for the worst scenario. no matter what its weird to wait and witness the inevitable death

July 20th

im not really religious now but sobbed when the imam recite prayers & adzan, before we sent her off & when she buried in the grave. the silence & final truth that my grandma rly gone hits me so hard. it's weird.... i cried for a minute, angry at myself for all the unpleasant stuffs i did to her, and then some times later laughed with my family when remembering her. maybe that's how grief works.

July 22th

before i parted w my grandma i said near her ears that irma is here, im here with you., and her left eye suddenly wet like there was a tear.... maybe it's just a biological thing or smtg. but i hope she heard me. at least i got to apologize to her for the last time.

July 28th

I lost my grandma a week ago, and i have been unable to stop thinking that this is my fault.

My grandma was 83 and got stroke last year, and me and my mom are the one who take care of her for more than a year. She wasn't bed ridden, in fact she could walk and grip things easily a month after her first stroke attack. I wasn't very patient to her, i accompany her to watch tv and help her eat everyday but sometimes she got on my nerves because she doesnt listen to me and accused me of things i didnt do. I sometimes even raised my voice to her. The last time i talked to her, i actually got mad at her because she video called my cousin whos still a teenager and asked her inappropriate questions.

The day before she died, i was half awake at 1:30 am bc my cat fought with another cat. During that time, i actually heard my grandma made strange noise, but i didnt think much of it because i was sleepy. My mom checked my grandma condition and she also thought it wasn't a big deal. We tought this was just like ordinary days bc my grandma usually snored. Until 6 am, my grandma won't wake up so we went to hospital.

Turns out, she got her second stroke attack, or intracerebral hemorrhage as what the doctor said. And they were unable to do anything to her, they told us we need to be prepared for the worst. So in the hospital we can only saw her lying in bed with oxygen and monitor thing, i still can hear the beeping sound until now.

I can't stop thinking that if only i was more aware and sent her to the hospital asap when i heard her making strange noises, maybe she could still be saved. Because i learned that there is golden hour for stroke and we sent her to hospital way too late. I can't imagine how my grandma must have been in so much pain alone, and she probably felt that we ignored her.

I havent told her that i'm sorry for everything, that i wanted to ask for forgiveness bc i was not patient to her. I dont know how to get rid this guilt, although maybe i shouldnt get rid of it. I cant stop crying everyday and visiting her in her grave made me even sadder. When i went back home, i keep remembering every traces of her in our house, where she sits, where she sleep, and everything. I miss her so much, i really didn't expect to lose her forever like this. I thought she'd go back healthy again, i didnt know she'd gone without showing signs before.

July 30th

im sorry, i wish i was kinder. i wish the last time before u die i can smile to you. i wish i didnt refuse when u tried to grip my hand even if ur hands were dirty. grandma, how do i seek forgiveness if u are not here? i cant stop crying.

August 10th

im not a good person. 

when my grandma first fell sick, my first thought was damn shes gonna be a nuisance for my mom & dad. 

when my grandma first come here, i thought fuck where am i gonna sleep now. 

when my grandma cant eat, i thought fuck its a nuisance & i will get her lice.

when my grandma keeps watching the same songs on tv, i thought fuck so annoying i have to listen this everyday? 

when my grandma doesnt want to sleep, i thought fuck why cant you be obedient? 

when i see my mom changing her diapers, i thought until when my mom gonna do this?

when grandma keeps asking about money and wants to go home, i thought fuck cant u shut up already? 

when grandma singing the songs that she likes, i thought fuck why are you so loud? 

im such a horrible person. I wish i can kneel and beg for forgiveness for having those thoughts.

but i cant do it anymore, even until the world crumble.

am i allowed to be happy? to smile? to go back to my usual self? am i allowed to do it?