a letter to myself from 10 years ago

Hello, irma.

I remember in my old blog, I used to write a letter to the me in the future. I remember it was during high school, and you made a blog to ask me how I’d be doing ten years later.

Well, here I am. The 26 years old Irma.

I’m sorry I deleted my old blog permanently so I couldn’t retrieve it anymore. There were a lot of my poems and posts there, also some comments I received from kind strangers. But back then, I thought I wanted to erase all of my digital footprints and erase my existence completely. I was stupid, I didn’t think it through and now we lost all of my old blog memories.

I miss those posts. Did you know IDN Times actually used your post in one of their articles? It was amazing, I didn’t realize they knew my blog. If only I can still retrieve our old blog. 

I regret it so much.

Actually, we will face so many regrets later in life.

You were only 16 years old now, with many anxieties and uncertainties and loneliness in your heart. Unfortunately, I have to tell you your situation isn’t much different ten years later.

If I could meet you, I want to give you a hug. You shouldn’t have stay hidden and scared of everything. I will give you the warmest hug to tell you to not be afraid, that you should grow up and let yourself be brave to face everything.

You are the weirdest girl many people have ever encountered.

When you talk to a therapist later, they will tell you it all rooted from many things that shaped you to be who you are right now. If both of us could go back to our childhood, what kind of choice are we going to make?

For me, maybe I will tell the childhood us to listen to mom more and be more diligent. And don’t trust stranger men that much. And to stay playing with our childhood friends and don't distanced yourself from them just because you grow up.

Maybe that way, we could change our future.

But unfortunately, we couldn’t change the past.

Dear me, I’m sorry to tell you that you will face a lot of hardships one day. You will cry, you will be angry, you will be sad.

You will feel that nothing can save you, you will feel that there’s no choice but to end your life.

But remember that your emotions at the highest peak shouldn’t be trusted.

Because you will stand up and regain your life again.

It will be okay.

Right now, I miraculously and luckily can stay alive and breathing. I still can play with my cats, seeing beautiful sceneries, and talk to mom.

You will be alright. It’s okay to feel sad.

I got a job even if it’s not stable.

I don’t know how much this job will lasts, maybe I will get fired or lay off just like before. But at least you gained experience and defeat your fear of teaching people.

I don’t know what kind of stressful thing I will have to face again after this moment.

Maybe it will be a lot harder than the one I faced this year in 2025, but it seems like nothing will surprise you anymore.

Sometimes you will feel jealous of other people who faced hardships but they are still going strong because they are accompanied by their lover and friends. You will feel that you faced it alone and nobody loves you.

But remember, you have your family and close friends. They care about you in their own ways to help you.

Don’t feel like you’re the most alone and miserable person alive.

Recognize your privilege and love them.

It’s okay to be a lonely strong woman, there’s no shame in that as long as you didn’t hurt anybody. And if you did, learn to apologize to them. Whether they accept it or not relies on their decision, but at least you recognized your mistake.

Dear me from the past.

I have many things I want to tell you, I wish you could make different choices from me.

But I know you will just end up repeating the same mistakes as mine. And it’s okay.

We only have ourselves in the end, so don’t rely on other people too much.

I’m so proud of you for staying alive. If you want to die later, at least make sure that you don’t have any debts to your siblings. If things get too much, make sure to apologize to your friends that you hurt. I’m sure you want them to remember you, but it’s not okay to leave and die while leaving them the worst memory of you.

Dear, Irma.

Even if I’m already 26 years old now, I still don’t know anything. I’m clueless, I have no experience in this life.

So, maybe let’s keep going for a little bit.

I love you, I’m proud of you.